What Do I Mean?

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bench

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I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
He said to me, you must not ask for so much.
And a pretty woman
leaning in her darkened door
She cried to me, hey, why not ask for more?

(From “Bird on a Wire” by Leonard Cohen.)

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“It is impossible to say just what I mean.” [1]
The truth has many viewpoints
each painted by the brush of experience,
trauma, abuse — the list goes on.
What we see and what we hear
depends on who we are and where we’ve been.

Emotions are unreliable —
they may be triggered
by childhood fears of abandonment,
years of bullying,
disease, alcoholic parents.
We all wear our visible and invisible scars.

Some scars we wear with pride,
others we try to submerge,
yet they rise to the surface unexpectedly
like putrefied corpses.
Their corruption taints everything we see
feel, hear or experience.

Worst of all is the insecurity,
inability to trust, unexplainable emotions.
Fears which no longer have relevance
can pull our carpet of security
out from under our feet and leave us sprawling,
helpless as the children we once were.

Is there any hope for the future?
Is there an escape from a haunted past?
Perhaps, for some of us, there is hope —
“Like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir” [2]
We can try in our way to be free.

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(1) From “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T.S. Eliot.
(2) From “Bird on a Wire” by Leonard Cohen.


Comments

17 responses to “What Do I Mean?”

  1. I think you’ve been listening to too much Leonard Cohen here ~ but ~ but that’s a whole lot better than listening to Ted Cruz…

    Your poem reminds me of one Christmas season, not too long ago, when I was peeling turkey meat from bones for the cook ~ the radio was playing Christmas music ~ and suddenly I started crying like a baby & couldn’t stop ~ something very submerged had geyser-ed up…

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    1. I have experienced similar situations. ~ Dennis

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  2. I relate to this on every level.

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    1. I won’t say I’m glad you liked my poem. Anyone who has experienced these feelings knows what a nightmare they can be. There is hope; for ninety-five percent of my life I am able to act in a ‘normal’ manner. The other five percent are hell not only for myself, but for those around me.

      Blessings,
      Dennis

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  3. Reblogged this on Stop the Stigma! and commented:
    There may be times when you think you have processed it all…you should be okay and then something triggers a memory…read this. It is refreshing how this writer/poet normalizes exactly that…so true and written so beautifully.

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    1. Thanks, Cheryl, for reblogging my post. It is much appreciated. ~ Dennis

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      1. Your message is powerful and generous of you, Dennis. Blessings, Cheryl-Lynn

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  4. Wow! You amaze me! I could put my working hat and read this one way, and I kept bopping my head and switched back to me and you’re right, we can heal some wounds and wear our scars like proud soldiers but sometimes when least expected, there’s a trigger…then BAM. I don’t share my life with my work or supervisors. Unfortunately, too many judge especially if they have not gone thru some shit in their lives//childhood, so writing has saved me to regain the energy to get right back on my feet to do what I love. thank you so much for being you, Dennis, Namaste

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    1. I didn’t intentionally share my life with my supervisors, but after losing control I had to explain what triggered my irrational reaction. I have found that putting openness and honesty first, is the best way to ward off judgement. Not that I’m overly concerned with judgement. Each to his own…Dennis

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  5. Well said. Malcolm Gladwell in “Blink” said our experiences cause us to have a pre-sentiment on things before they occur. This can be good or bad, so if we have had a traumatic existence, it is hard to “unlearn” experiences. For someone who has been abused by an adult male, he or she will not be very trusting of men, e.g. or worse, gravitate to men who are controlling as that is what they know.

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    1. Thanks for your comment. I have read a similar book recently, “Biocentrism: How Life and Consciousness are the Keys to Understanding the True Nature of the Universe” by Bob Berman and Robert Lanza. If we’re not careful, we can become slaves to our mind. ~ Dennis

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      1. I need to read that one. At Barney’s urging, I saw “I am” by Tom Shadyac. Definitely worth seeing. Thanks, BTG

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  6. Brilliant Dennis, The scars we wear, and those we try to forget, The Future depends upon us letting go of the past… To stop hanging onto Fears and to Trusting more…

    Yes I know exactly what you mean!

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    1. Thanks, Sue, as always, for your words of encouragement and support. Each day I try to live more in the ‘now’ where I can make a difference. And it has made all the difference. ~ Dennis

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  7. Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon Avatar
    Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon

    WOW…..Dennis,
    This is so descriptive, and much of how I felt when I wrote my book. Much of my childhood trauma of S_x abuse as a child, verbal and physical abuse, mental illness, all was just Fuel when I became addicted to compulsive gambling, 2 attempted suicides and then finally into Recovery. I was a MESS!

    AND a lot of what you wrote here is about MY PAST, when lies still for years, then slowly creeps back up to the surface, and you don’t know how to process it in a healthy manner, I used Gambling to ESCAPE the old hurt & pain. WE ONLY need to remember that our PAST does not DEFINE who we are Today!
    Great Post Dennis! *Catherine*

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    1. Hi Catherine, thanks so much for your kind words. I agree, our past doesn’t define who we are. We have gained so much in the intervening years. Moment by moment, day by day we can be the people we are intended to be.

      I loved your book, “Addicted to Dimes (Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat)”. I will write a review on Amazon. ~ Dennis

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      1. Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon Avatar
        Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon

        TY xxoo :-) :-)

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